Tyrannical Belgians Impose Compulsory Sterilisation

The Guardian reports today that mad leaders of a country called Belgium have elected to enforce compulsory sterilisation upon its population. Of cats.

In a three step plan, the law, if passed, will first see all cats in shelters neutered, then those belonging to breeders and sellers, before finally moving on to the severing of the special bits of regular kitties belonging to normal cat owners. All bog-standard eugenics, you may think, yet special breeds are to be exempt from the plans, giving many felines of less exceptional heritage cause for concern.

So far the plans have failed to make serious waves outside Belgium, although there was a scuffle on the street corner just down the road from me at dinnertime. A quick interview with the perpetrators revealed that the clash was due to a stolen Express and Star and had nothing to do with the proposed scheme. However when asked to comment, Mrs Wright explained: “I couldn’t give a monkeys about those Belgian cats. They’re always coming over here, taking our jobs and turning our women into spinster crazy cat ladies. I hope they do chop their balls off.”

'Bob' poses menancingly next to a window as oblivious passers by go about their daily business (pic creds: Shreyans Bhansali 27/01/2007)

During its investigation into the story, Idle Thoughts was contacted by a shadowy group called The Feline Reds, who claim to be an international Marxist cat organisation dedicated to the overthrowing of all pedigree cats. ‘Bob’, their leader, told this reporter that cats everywhere are becoming concerned that the plans to prevent breeding of normal cats while protecting the reproductive organs of special breeds is effectively a declaration of war on the average working cat. “We’ve had a massive rise in membership over the past couple of weeks. Working cats are getting fed up of being treated like second-class citizens by humans who seem to think that Persians and Siamese are somehow better than the rest of us. The plans by the Belgian government only go to show that we have to stand up and say “no” to this kind of racism. We’ve tried peaceful protest but frankly we’ve had to turn militant.” When asked if reports of gangs of normal cats roaming the streets at night and attacking special breeds was the work of the group, ‘Bob’ would only respond that vigilante gangs had been formed, but the cells were secretive and dispersed and the leaders unknown to him.

‘Bob’ assured me that the Feline Reds had no intention of harming humans in their terrorist campaign against pedigree cats but figures show that several people have been hurt as the war goes on. Numerous reports are now emerging, from people having their bins overturned by angry cat gangs to poos being done on beds and settees when litter trays were clean. One woman, who did not want her identity disclosed, emailed with this statement: “My cat started acting strangely a few weeks ago. I noticed he’d started wearing this collar with a red star on it and I have no idea where he got it. When I heard about the Feline Reds it all started to make sense. They say that they won’t hurt humans, but I have lost a toe and five socks in this campaign. I spend my days locked in my bedroom, terrified to come out. My cat now owns me.”

When asked to comment on this incident ‘Bob’ was unrepentant. “When that woman put a cat in a bin everyone thought it was hilarious. Now we’re fighting back it’s not so funny.”

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