I Went to America And All I Got Was This Lousy Revolutionary War

In anticipation of England’s first World Cup game today, Idle Thoughts has got up early to ruminate on the reasons why such extensive hostility continues to blight the relationship between the English and the Americans, and act as the Bank Ki Moon of the digital world in order to repair our floundering friendship, build huge Atlantic sized bridges and make lovely little BFF bands for everyone to wear so that we may always look down at our wrists and remember why we started being friends in the first place.

Of course, there is a long history between these peoples, one that must be acknowledged before we can forget it all and dance through the meadows together. When the pilgrims set sail from Plymouth they expected to find a promised land, somewhere infinitely different, new and exciting. Landing in Plymouth must have pissed them off no end, and thus the drama began. As the Americans struggled to survive against advancing buffalo, natives and the wrath of God, their character was moulded, everyone and everything in this strange new land seemed to be against them. Seeing an opportunity to get their own back, some of them decided that it would be laugh to chuck lots of tea in the sea. Needless to say, this didn’t go down terribly well and all hell broke loose when the King found out. In the end, the English decided it was too much hassle to carry on fighting in this far away country while France was getting all uppity much closer to home, so they let the Americans win and vowed never again to send any tea over the Atlantic to this ungrateful country.

Angry and bitter at the lack of tea, Americans began toying with language in order to provoke more reaction. First they stole several city names, but when the people of Birmingham and York proved unperturbed by the theft of their cities more devious means of angering the English were conceived. Mindful of how much the English love ‘U’s, Americans removed them from the language. Colour, favour, flavour and many more innocent words were stripped of their ‘U’s, leaving the British dumbfounded and confused. As communication became nearly impossible, the two countries simmered in their fury while the rest of the world rolled its eyes and threatened to tell the teacher. The fatal blow was struck when America began referring to football as ‘soccer’ and England vowed never to speak to her again, stropping off to make best friends with India instead.

While it may seem that all the bonds of friendship have been irreparably broken given this turbulent history, Idle Thoughts believes that there is still hope. We can expect today’s match to bring back many of these horrible memories, with the traditional American chant of:  ”Bet your tea tastes salty now!”, and the corresponding English chant “Justice for all? We prefer an inflexible class system and a pampered monarchy, thank you!”

Though this relationship may be scarred by deep veins of rancour, there are still those willing to make the behemoth effort to bring the two sides together in love and companionship. Such as these women, who forget the troubles of the past in order to skip through London together in a touching display of mutual fondness, and remind us all that despite the horrors of yesteryear – the wasted tea, the anti-U campaign and the theft of beloved cities – there is still joy in the world.

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