Insane Artists Involved in Plot to Kill Children

A dachshund on a walk in West Park is startled to see a cynophobe painted as a 19th century British Indian imperialist huntsman (pic creds: Captain Chickenpants 28/08/2007)

My name is Ms Brooke and I’m a cynophobe. That means I’m scared of dogs. Yes, even those small, cuddly ones whose owners insist “He won’t hurt you” while the beast stares at your throat and salivates. Assuring someone who is terrified of dogs that Rottweilers are ‘soft’ (or ‘saft’ in the Midlands) will not make them swallow their natural and reasonable terror and take an entirely irrational step by touching that freakishly huge head and putting anything precious (hands, face, legs) anywhere near this panting killer. So stop it.

Some people think it’s a bit silly to be scared of dogs, which is fair enough I suppose. I think it’s a bit silly to be scared of terrorist attacks, yet I still wouldn’t encourage anyone to sit right next to a sweating terrorist  kitted out with rucksack and suicide belt on the tube. And I certainly wouldn’t say “he won’t hurt you”, because I just can’t guarantee that. Still less would I recommend stroking his face, ensuring that you let him sniff you first, and thus through familiarity dull your natural dread of meeting a horribly violent end.

Yet dog-lovers seem to have taken their animosity toward dog-haters to a whole new level with the new craze of dog painting. While some say dog painters are insane and should probably get out a bit more, others say they are crazed freaks who are trying to thwart cynophobia forever by actually killing off all who hate dogs through canine art.

Dog painters paint their dogs – a harmless hobby you may say, and perhaps it would be if they were painting flowers and peace symbols on the bastards. But no, in an act of what can only be called terrorism, ruthless owners of dogs have been painting them into tigers. Now, I cross the road when I see a dog, willing to concede my walking space to anything that could reasonably kill me without a second thought. If I saw a tiger walking down the street, even if it was on a leash, I think my heart would give out on me right there. And this is where the problem lies. Idle Thoughts sent an emissary to the homes of several of these dog painters to find out what the hell their problem is. The results of these interviews reveal a deep anger toward people who hate dogs.

One dog painter said: “I used to be a teacher, but since retiring I’ve found it harder and harder to be in situations where I can terrify small children. Dog painting means I have a hobby and I can continue my life’s work. It really is a great thing to see an otherwise normal kid reduced to pissing their pants when I walk Rover.”

Another told us that: “I used to paint landscapes and nudes but you really don’t get the same reaction as you do with dog painting. So far I’ve killed three dog haters – two heart failures and a fatal fear-induced asthma attack.”

As the death-toll continues to rise, Idle Thoughts is concerned that the lack of reporting on this subject reflects a deep and unacknowledged public hatred of cynophobes – cynophobephobia, if you will – and an underground grassroots movement to rid the world of this breed of perfectly normal and reasonable people. The cycle of fear and suspicion will only spiral out of control if cynophobes do not burst out of their closet and stand up for their right to live in a world where dogs disguised as tigers are not free to roam the streets, spreading panic and terror wherever they go.

The first annual cynophobe pride march will be held in Wolverhampton this Saturday. No dogs allowed.

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